Freedom Friday: Fuck Perfectionism
Do It Anyway. Just Start.
Your Inner BadAss
Realizing that the most important thing is to just begin. I am seeing how I am continually paralyzing myself trying to arrange my choices and put them in order that will be the most efficient and right way to achieve the outcome I’m going for. Like my choices are puzzle pieces—succinct, tangible, definable pieces. This is how I treat my life. In pieces. And if I can just arrange them properly, all will be well and I will be successful.
I do value efficiency. I have a knack for being able to see ahead and plan for things so that overall there is a smoothness and flow to an operation. This is great when there are clearly laid out parameters, time constraints, etc. However, when it’s an open book, as life truly is, this procedure doesn’t work so well because there is no right; efficiency is really just an invention, and there is absolutely no substitute for going for it.
As a recovering perfectionist, this is so frustrating because I want to get it right. Even though I know “right” is just an invention; an arbitrary label assigned to something for reasons that I probably couldn’t even really explain. I KNOW this. And I still want to get it right. It is this investment in this idea of right and wrong that is still fucking with me, dangling self-love and allowance by a string in front of me that I just can’t reach.
This is addiction— addiction to the rightness of an idea, the wrongness of me. This is abuse—withholding love and allowance until I prove I’m worthy. And I say I’m a recovering perfectionist because I’ve come a long way. I’ve really changed a lot. And today is still one of those days where shit comes up and I have to see that I’m not where I’d like to be.
So, I’m writing because I use words as tools. Sometimes I just need to hear or see what I am actually telling myself. And I am writing so that you can understand that the process of liberation— of your, my, our movement to greatness— is not a straight line. I think that gets hard to hold on to sometimes, when I’m really in it.
So, for you and for me: Hang in there. Just choose and keep choosing. The only way to stay stuck is to stand still and sink. You can rest, for sure. You will know the difference between rest and paralysis by the calmness in your mind, the fluidity of your movements. But if crazy, mind-fucking paralysis is what you do today, then with all that you can muster, enjoy it, entertain yourself, and know that it will pass. Don’t dwell, don’t punish yourself because that will just make the yuck last longer and increase the likelihood of it becoming habit. But for God’s sake, allow yourself the permission to change this once you recognize it, too. As easy and obvious as it seems, sometimes I forget that it’s okay to be everything, including a flake that changes like the wind and confuses the hell out of everyone, including myself. If you recognize that you are chasing your tail and making everything a problem, STOP. It’s okay to just stop and do something else. Really.
This is life. There is no pre-determined outcome, no where to arrive, just a journey to YOU (to ME). And, here’s what no one is really telling us—the “right” way is the one that feels the lightest, most fun and sometimes daring option and it’s okay to choose it, even if no one else does.
Let this blog be proof that sometimes you just have to do something. Anything. I think this might be one of my worst blogs ever because there are too many ideas introduced in a short amount of time. But I am publishing it anyway because I am tired of having things be right and perfect before I will introduce them to the world.
This blog is for you from me. From my craziness to help you out of yours. I love you.