YOU CAN be happy, successful, and easy-going NO MATTER how long you've been struggling with an issue or problem.
It may not always be comfortable or easy. But it will always be worth it…because your work with me will bring you more YOU.
JOYLYN's Tenets of Coaching
there is nothing wrong with you
If things aren’t going the way you’d like, it is NOT evidence of your worthlessness or powerlessness or any other -lessness you’ve assigned as the cause of the way things are right now.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Now is the time to turn away from the temptation to dynamically diagnose the problem; to assign fault or blame. Instead, now is the time to know that you are not being punished, there is nothing wrong with you, there is no reason that things are so shitty except that something you are choosing is allowing things to show up this way—and from what I know from my experience...it might be your inner dialogue, a lack of self-awareness that is gnawing at you to get your attention, or it could even be exactly what you are looking for, showing up in a way you never thought possible and didn’t think to be curious about.
So, stop being so hard on yourself, blaming yourself, depriving yourself of affection or encouragement. “The beatings will stop when morale improves”—doesn’t work.
There is NOTHING TO FIX BEFORE YOU CAN CHANGE ANYTHING.
There is no reason that you cannot accomplish or feel what you’re going for...it’s just not part of your reality yet or it is and you just can’t see it…
There is nothing wrong with you. Any questions?
no one else needs to change in order for you to be happy
We’ve been trained to look OUTSIDE ourselves for the reason we feel crummy.
So many people have come to me and said, “if only he/she would…” or “if he/she would…” would make my life so much easier…I've said it. We’ve all done it. It’s pretty typical.
It lets us off the hook, but it doesn’t work.
Unless you enjoy feeling powerless, don't try to change another human being... this is a free will Universe and you only get to choose for one person—and it’s not him/her.
But this is good news because that means you don’t have to wait for slow poke over there to change before you can be happy! You actually have the power to change everything without permission or waiting. Really.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." It’s cliche sounding but it’s actually true and amazingly powerful.
Take a risk and do it different: change your point of view instead of working so hard to get someone else to change theirs. You will find that at the end of the day you will have so much more energy and time to invest in something that will bring more joy and happiness—that's a double bonus!
slow down to speed up
Perhaps especially in America, there is a "badge of fatigue" that we proudly bear as we run ourselves ragged in the endless hunt for happiness. We become human doings instead of human beings, hurrying up to finish already. We hurt ourselves in our refusal and inability to simply be. And we often find that the hurrying costs us resources and the finish was not what we had hoped it would be.
There are a few key ways in which slowing down to speed up, though counter-intuitive, can save us lots of time, energy, heartache, and pain.
1. The beginning
Our communication often leads us to know more about what we don't want or like than about what we do desire to create for our lives. If we can slow down in order to get an idea of what it is that we would like to be and have in our lives, then the getting there becomes much easier than wandering in the dark and chasing anything that is bright and shiny. If we don't have a target, it becomes ridiculously easy to become distracted and fall into habitual patterns.
Slowing down to become aware of ourselves, our needs and desires, and being able to get an idea about them—energetically and verbally—is an absolutely necessary first step…and it's often skipped. So…coaching often involves getting you to know what you know about what you'd like to be and have in your life…making it SO. Much. Easier to get!
2. The heat of the moment
There is this tiny space in between stimulus and response and in it is the possibility to an infinite array of different outcomes. The problem is, the space is tiny and we don't acknowledge that it's there and we go directly from stimulus to response, which is often and over-reaction. In order to see this tiny little space, we need to pause—which is the space and the willingness and ability to have the space. However, as with an often missed first step, this pause is often overlooked as we mistake reaction for instinct.
But if we can pause, we can become aware of that space and open up to more possibilities that can create a greater future.
This pause is paramount in arguments. It is also paramount with addictive and compulsive tendencies—which most damaging thoughts and behaviors become as they solidify into habit.
Sometimes a longer pause, or time-out is needed. It is not a sign of weakness, but often a recognition—that what is in motion needs more time to unfold, or for a need to step away in order to get a fresh perspective. All sports include a time-out. Let's give ourselves permission to pause so that we can come back to the game of life with curiosity and enthusiasm.
…These little breaks might be the different that must be done in order to have what you've never had.
3. Listening. Really listening.
Empathy—the ability to hold space for something—is not or has not been modeled for us. Because it takes more time up front, it seems that skipping this type of work will save time and move us to our goal faster. But as we've most certainly experienced, this is not the case.
What we have in common as people is that we would like to be understood and appreciated. However, most of us do not feel either (a little or most of the time)…so we work hard, very hard, to be heard and validated. But when we are starved as we are, our communication is often ineffective and we communicate in ways that make understanding and appreciation much less likely to be given...The complexity of this problem is compounded by the fact that it is usually not just one, but all people involved that are feeling and communicating this way.
The way to alleviate this, to nurture ourselves and those we care for, and increase the likelihood of a favorable outcome is to listen with empathy. To listen with total attention, not just to the words, but to the feelings and needs of the other (or ourself, a precious being that we often exclude).
To listen in this way takes time to practice and to perform. But the amount of time we would "waste" on listening, we multiply in wasteful, prolonged argument, missed or unproductive work, repairing damaged relationships and negotiations.
Listening is powerful. It is soul food. It is a great deal of what is involved in coaching.
When was the last time you were listened to?
choice takes all
Choice is the winner that takes all. And since you have free will, NOTHING IS GREATER THAN YOUR POWER TO CHOOSE!
There is nothing you need to figure out, understand, or wait for in order to make a different choice.
Choice is the source of change, not the product of change.
And when I’m talking about choice, most of the choices I’m talking about are the thoughts and feelings that we are concentrating on and giving energy to. Emotions only last for 90 seconds…Anything after that requires “food”—thoughts that will keep the feeling going...That’s a choice you make. We’ve just made it so many times it doesn’t feel like a choice any more, but it always is...
Choose what brings ease, space, and joy. We know pain and heaviness too well.
**and my hypothesis is that the more we choose ease and joy, our brains will make those synapses more efficient. And I think the more we do this as a collective, our brains will evolve to make positive stimuli more memorable and impactful so that we will move, as a species, to one geared to thrival instead of mere survival.
There are no rules on how to get coaching.
We can work together outside, at my office, in your home or office, in person or by phone, Facebook, Skype, or WhatsApp…with you in a squeaky leather chair, if that is your preference 😀. We can work one-on-one, or if your partner is in to couples therapy, bring him, too— the more the merrier. You choose what will work best for you.
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