Dr. JOYLYN Maniaci
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by Dr. JOYLYN Maniaci

Put Up or Shut Up. It's Time for Tough Love.

I wanted to write a very nice “feel good” sort of blog, lovey-dovey kind of stuff for February. I’ve been thinking hard on it and on love. And then I realized why nothing was coming to me—that’s not what is required now. At least not for/from me.  

Because here is what I know about love now: it’s absolutely nothing like the bullshit we’ve been sold or bought that it was. That is a fabrication; and it’s not real.  Love that is real and true is actually more accurately described as gratitude and kindness. And…one is NOT the loneliest number. It is the beginning—it all starts with one.

So, how do I put this together to talk about tough love? 

I’m so glad you asked...

True love, as gratitude and kindness, includes everybody. Including yourself. That’s right. That’s the one person that is most often left out of the equation, or minimized in some way. And, though it seems like it is so often that we are minimized because of someone else--that is actuallybullshit. And I know because I’ve been working on it for seemingly forever and it hasn’t changed. And it won't change and can't change because it isn’t real or true. The truth is, the one that I have been subjected to, minimized and deflated by, is my obsessive “love affair” with/to shitty feelings, to drama. 

Oh, it made sense, at first. Those horrible feelings felt so real. They were heavy. I could almost touch them. I was acutely aware of them. They were visceral, tight, and I had words for them most of the time. Then I could describe them, come up with hypotheses and stories about them—why they existed, where they came from, what happened when they came. At first it was entertaining. And I felt like I was connecting with other people through them. It seemed that just about everyone had had a similar feeling at some point, so we could really relate and even bond.

But then a funny thing happened…Somehow my feelings became real. These shitty feelings came more frequently. I had more and more elaborate stories for them, to explain them, justify them, and defend the actions that came from them. I no longer seemed to have feelings; I was feelings. And, everything that I did in accordance to them "made sense." I got lost.

Fortunately or unfortunately, addiction to feelings breaks no laws, so no one really noticed. For awhile I was regarded as “highly sensitive,” even a little intriguing because I could verbalize these sensations so well. And I could relate to a lot of people because of the struggles that I was having. But more and more I became less and less. Though the stories changed—body dysmorphia, eating disorder, depression, relationship issues, identity crisis—the bottom line was the same: my insane and constant insistence on having “feelings’ was out of control and tanking my life and the possibility of creating something amazing for my future. (I love that I'm writing this in past tense--acknowledging that I am finally. seeing. a. change.)

So what? What’s this got to do with love? And being tough? And it all starting with one?

The bullshit that I bought about love was part of the reason for the shitty feelings. I thought that love came from someone else. But I couldn’t find or seduce or keep the external source to pump inpleasant, lovely feelings. These goddamned horrible feelings just kept coming, no matter who I was with or what I was doing. I also confused kindness with being nice. I always tried to be nice to everybody else, including my sweet, shitty feelings; so that I didn't seem to factor into any part of my life any more. And I refused to be the demanding bitch that I could be, that would absolutely demand that I show up for my own life and tell those shitty feelings to "Shut up!" every once in awhile--because that wouldn't have been "nice." And, I absolutely refused to see that these feelings were something that I could CHOOSE to entertain or not. 

So, here is where the tough love comes in. It’s time to PUT UP OR SHUT UP—STOP INDULGING IN BULLSHIT. Stop wasting time and energy giving lots of thought into the stories and feelings that make you feel like shit. Those aren’t real. They never were and never will be. No matter how much of a basket case you claim to be, the amount of debt, personal struggle, or what-have-you. Its time for ME, for YOU, to show up as the beings of magnificence we truly be. It's time to love you--to be kind, which includes saying no to the temptation and indulgence in ANYTHING that does not hold in it the essence and energy of the future you'd like to have in it; and to have gratitude for YOU and your power to create (even if you've been using it to create shit up to this point).

And now we’re back to one. YOU. You get to choose what you will feed—the light feelings and energies with the ability to flow and create a future you’d like to have; or the heavy, dense feelings and energies that keep you spiraling and spinning into the same shit hole that you’ve pidgeon-holed yourself into. Will you choose to love yourself enough to face your shitty feelings and stories and say “No, thank you. I’ve had enough. Today I’m going to do something different.”

Are you willing to love yourself that much? 

Rock your own world. Fall in love with yourself. Be all that you can be. And for God’s sake, shut up and be the amazing, beautiful YOU that enjoys the hell out of your body, your job, your relationship, your life. 





Dr. JOYLYN ManiaciComment