If things aren’t going the way you’d like, it is NOT evidence of your worthlessness or powerlessness or any other -lessness you’ve assigned as the cause of the way things are right now.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Turn away from the temptation to elaborately describe or diagnose the problem; to assign fault or blame to yourself or anyone or anything else. Instead, know there is nothing wrong with you, you are not being punished.

The reason things are shitty right now is because of something you are choosing (or not choosing) and/or the way you are interpreting other people’s actions or the ideas you have about yourself—that is making things appear so dark and heavy.

The crummy circumstances you face could also be an awareness that you are ignoring, fighting to get your attention; or it could even be exactly what you are looking for, showing up in a way you never thought possible and didn’t think to be curious about.

Stop being so hard on yourself, blaming yourself, depriving yourself of affection or encouragement. “The beatings will stop when morale improves”—doesn’t work. 

There is no reason that you cannot accomplish or have what you'd like—it's just not part of your reality yet, or it is already showing up and you just can't see it.

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are not hopeless. You are not a burden. You are not broken.

You don’t need to be fixed.

I am here to help you see your own beauty, brilliance, and power to turn things around and change what isn’t working for you.

We’ve been trained to look OUTSIDE ourselves for the reason we aren’t happy.

So many people have come to me and said, “If he* would just…” believing that he changing is the obstacle to happiness.

I've said it. We’ve all done it…but it doesn’t work.

Even though it seems so obvious as the simplest solution to your pain, insisting someone else is the problem actually puts your happiness in someone else’s hands. Unless you enjoy feeling powerless, attempting to change another human being—to change his mind, convince him he's wrong so that he will be or do what you’re asking—is a waste of your time and energy. You only have the power to change one person’s mind—and it’s not him/her.

This is actually good news because it means you don’t have to wait for anyone else to change before you can be happy! You actually have the power to change everything without permission or waiting and be happy right now!

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

It sounds cliche but it’s true and amazingly powerful.

If you take a risk and do something different—change your point of view instead of working so hard to get someone else to change theirs—the resentment and pain diminishes and more ease, energy, and time become available to you.

And, when you truly take responsibility for your own happiness and let go of your insistence that he change, he actually becomes more likely to change and deliver what you’re asking for.

“No one else needs to change for you to be happy” is why relationship + communication coaching is so effective working with only one person.

*using "he" for simplicity. Replace "he" with appropriate pronoun for your purposes.

Though counter-intuitive, slowing down to speed up saves time, energy, heartache, and pain.

1. There is caring in preparing.

At the start of any program, we take time to get clarity on your goals.

If we don't have a target, it becomes very easy to become distracted and fall into habitual patterns. However, we often know more about what we don't want or like than what we do desire for our lives. If we can slow down in order to get an idea of what it is that we would like to be and have in our lives, the getting becomes So. Much. Easier.

2. In the heat of the moment, pause.

There is this tiny space in between stimulus and response and within it lies an infinite number of possibilities for different outcomes. The problem is, the space between stimulus and reaction is tiny and we don't acknowledge that it's there and we go directly from one to the other, and often into over-reaction.  In order to see this tiny little space, we need to pause.

Taking a moment to look or step away is essential to breaking damaging and addictive habits—saying something that makes things worse, eating our feelings, striking out of anger, etc. Pausing gives us time to cool down, clear our minds and open us up to a different way of looking at things, and let what has been set in motion unfold—rushing and pushing often backfires and makes things worse.

“If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.”

A little pause might be the different that you can do to have what you'd like.

3. Listening—really listening.

What we all have in common is that we would like to be understood and appreciated. However, most of us do not feel either (a little or most of the time)…so we work very hard to be heard and validated.

When we are “starving” this way, our pain speaks and makes our communication ineffective. We communicate in ways that make understanding and appreciation much less likely. The only way out is through empathy. To listen with total attention, not just to the words, but to the feelings and needs—ours and the other person. To listen in this way takes a little effort and more time up front, but spares us a great deal of prolonged arguments, lost productivity, hurt feelings, damaged relationships, broken families, and even financial ruin.

Miscommunication is expensive. It’s time to invest in what will work to heal the pain and change the pattern.

I listen so that we can get to the heart of the matter quickly. I listen to understand. I listen so I can help decrease the pain on this planet (yours).

Nothing is greater than your power to choose.

There is nothing you need to figure out, understand, or wait for in order to make a different choice.

…and when I’m talking about choice, I’m talking about our attitude and the thoughts and feelings that we are concentrating on and giving energy to. 

Emotions only last for 90 seconds. After that they require “food”—thoughts that will keep the feelings going. Thoughts “pop up,” but we choose what we will concentrate on and keep thinking about. We’ve just made the same choice so many times it doesn’t feel like a choice any more, and our brains have actually changed and conditioned to this habitual thinking pattern.

A new choice is always available. Choose to pay attention and focus on what brings ease, space, and joy.

The more we choose ease and joy, our brains will change again to make those synapses more efficient so that happier thoughts will be the ones that “pop up” more often.

We know pain and heaviness too well. So we owe it to ourselves to put in some effort to prioritize and choose ease and happiness, and the thoughts that support them, the easier.

I can help you shift your mindset to make choosing happiness easier so can enjoy more ease and laughter in your relationships.