Solving the Empath's Dilemma
My clients are amazing human beings. A lot of them are what is popularly referred to as “empaths,” meaning that they are highly sensitive and very attuned to the emotional states of others. Classically, there is also a very high likelihood of pairing with a narcissistic person, or at least being in the presence of people who demand a great deal of energy and attention.
It is important to note that in my work with people, I do not concentrate on the title or role of being an empath. Diagnosis is often over-valued in conventional medicine and therapy instead of quality of life, emotional mastery, and happiness. At the HAPPINESS clinic and working with me, the value of “empath” is in knowing that I am working with a caring, highly-sensitive individual who was modeled/programmed, or in some way entrained to be more attuned to other people than to herself/himself. (This most often comes from coming into a dysfunctional family system that required a high degree of sensitivity to others in order to survive.)
The Empath's Problem: You Shrink
The problem is that this way of being is unsustainable because one cannot maintain a higher degree of attunement and attention to someone else if they want to be happy. This way of being breaks down over time as one will feel worse and worse as they shrink and diminish if they stay in old patterns; and they have difficulty creating healthy connection when they are not fully “there”—the other person is wondering where they are (they are in their head trying to figure out what/who they should be in order to gain favor or avoid disfavor).
So how to you change this?
Focusing on the Problem is Not the Solution
First of all the solution begins in knowing that you’d like something else…and to also know that fixing the problem doesn’t work. A new approach is needed.
You actually already know A LOT about the problem, its origins, your reactions, your struggles, etc. So the first step is not to examine the problem, to get a deeper understanding of why he/she/mom/dad/whoever did this or that or even why you did this or that. Further analysis or evaluation will do little to actually change the pattern of thought and behavior that is going on…because that is not what is lacking.
What’s lacking is LOVE. Self-love. An overflowing, oozing, opulent abundance of it, that will express itself as confidence and a strong sense of self— that is what is lacking and needs to be developed.
When you have a strong sense of self, you know who you are/who you are not. What you like/dislike; what you want/don’t want. And you are able to ask for what you’d like with greater ease and hold your boundaries and refuse to tolerate, hide, or excuse other people’s abusive behavior and/or when and how to work with other people to create healthy relationships that include you, instead of coming at your expense or preserving your mere survival.
The Real Solution: Loving You, Looking Forward
The real solution to coming out of any co-dependence, emotional reactivity, or other detrimental relationship dynamics is to develop a loving relationship with YOU.
You start by getting curious about You and what you’d like, your future—the Future Forward Focus ™. Because your future is a MUCH bigger deal than your past. Where you are going is going to be so much greater than where you’ve been or come from (regardless of where that is or how good it was or wasn’t).
What this means is that the first step is to look up, look ahead to where you’d like to go. Pick a target, an energy that you’d like to have more of in your life (not what you want to avoid).
A great way to do this is to ask these two questions:
How do I want to show up here?
What brings me joy?
These two questions are the keys to creating a target that is not based on outcome, and hence invite judgment, timelines, and “fixing” mindset, including fixation on the past. These questions, the Future Forward Focus ™ approach, connect you with Who You Really Are—because you are closest to your essence when you are in joy and the most powerful when you recognize that you have a choice of how you would like to be in any situation.
From here, you launch yourself in to the greatest adventure of your life: Becoming YOU.
…which is by no means a smooth road…on which this targeting is where the adventure and momentum begin.
The Right Company on the Road Ahead
On this journey you will be required to release old, limiting points of view and relationships, heal and deliver love and other nutrition where it’s been deficient, and learn new skills to realize these new connections and relationships (so they aren’t just ideas or brief flashes of delight, but an embodied reality and new way of life).
This endeavor is not for the faint of heart and requires a lot of grit and stamina.
If you don’t know where to start, or have been at it for a while and plateau or stalling, it is great to have a coach in your corner and a community at your side.
