Spring Detox: 8 Things to Get Out of Your System
There’s almost nothing I can say that isn’t cliché, but it really is time to let go of the old to make space fore something new can come in.
With a series of recent interstate moves that included a short stint at my childhood home, I’ve become aware of a lot of habits that I have that aren’t beneficial—like holding on to hurt, holding myself back, talking too much, trying to change people’s mind…
Highlighted below are a few I’ve repeatedly confirmed as non-beneficial, in no particular order (and not an exhaustive list as this is a life’s work):
SHIT TO GET RID OF
DISEMPOWERING VOCABULARY
Words and phrases like “should,” “have to,” “must,” “no choice,” “why?”** “I wish”, “trying,” etc.
These words and phrases emphasize judgment and assumptions of obligation/lack of freedom of choice. These words often put us on an arbitrary timeline that generates more stress and openings to judge ourselves. Or, they keep our desires in the future, up to someone else to deliver to us; or keep us in a state of perpetual ineffective action (i.e. non-action or half-ass action, like thinking about taking action).
Our words hold creative power and we actually speak into existence our limitations and hand over our power to faceless others and institutions when we use our words carelessly. I’ve read Florence Scovill Shinn’s The Game of Life and How to Play it like 8 times and I still fall into this habit. But seeing as how my life takes a dramatically obvious nosedive when fun isn’t a priority or motivation, and my search for what’s wrong (why?) takes over, I have to take an honest look at what I’ve been telling myself and talking about.
The subconscious is always listening and is very literal. What we say matters more than we think so getting rid of disempowering speech patterns can profoundly impact both our lived experience.
**Why is not always a disempowering question, but in general is used to question or challenge the way things are and look for flaws and wrongness instead of seeking opportunity and possibility. I/we generally use it to seek explanation rather than solution.
LOW QUALITY CONVERSATION
Complaining, gossiping, criticizing, comparing, labeling, past-based/ruminating, negative/worst-case scenario, devil’s advocate obstacle emphasizer**
Whether the conversation is with yourself or another person, when it’s low quality, the content is low-vibe, draining, uninspiring, and BORING. (Be honest, other than a little drama-fix with some “tend + befriend” female pattern survival communication, nothing actually changes; and the hamster wheel of re-running arguments and shit you could’ve said only gives a jolt to an already charged system, making it harder to hear intuition).
We are never going to recalibrate to happy, peaceful, cooperative beings if we continue identifying and connecting with people based on problems and re-running old or worst-case scenarios in our heads.
Talking about things that you can’t change (like other people or the past) doesn’t change anything and ends with feelings of powerlessness or despair. And yes, negative thinking has a higher survival rating as the natural bias of the human brain function, but most of us are actually seeking to go beyond mere survival so something else/new is required. Pity parties are the only ones that put Debbie Downer at the top of the guest list; and Karen’s drama flare has gone viral before, but is no longer trending. Let’s face it, it’s time to connect and talk about shit that lights us up.
**Devil’s Advocate is not the same as a valuable challenger. Honest feedback is essential to growth and improvement. However, many people enjoy “poking holes” in other people’s ideas as sport rather than with the intention to support, collaborate, or contribute to the idea.
CLUTTER + INCOMPLETE TASKS
There’s the absolute refusal by the laundry to fold itself, and worse, find its way to the appropriate storage container. Those feelings I’ve been stuffing down with anything crunchy or sweet just won’t go away; and this stupid blog that won’t write itself…(the list goes on)
By leaving things undone, I’m actually communicating to the Universe that I’m okay with shit not getting done. So the Universe responds with that spinny beach-ball-of-death and let’s me know it will wait as long as I need to deliver the things I’ve been asking for, like oodles of money, peace of mind, confidence, etc.**
But I’m fed up with this land of perpetual non-fulfillment. I want the completion!—the feeling of accomplishment, the confidence that arises from taking action.
…so I guess it’s time to get out of my head, use my body to finish these jobs and feel these feelings so I can clear some mental space. (grumble, grumble, sigh, surrender)
** We are the Universe, so it's actually me withholding from me (huge inconvenient truth there).
NEEDING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
This leads to what I call over-communication. It’s a thing. We all know the dude (and sometimes gal pal) that holds the cards close to their chest so you don't know what’s going on inside. But for a great bunch of us—those who had emotionally avoidant caregivers and messed up family dynamics—we’ve developed an insatiable demand to be understood and we will tirelessly argue to meet that end.
This is actually a true heart’s desire to authentically connect; but because the early models we had weren’t actually available that way, we developed a dependence on connection that all-but excludes silence, space, and ourselves!…so we keep talking…to people who aren’t interested in what we are saying or feeling…and more often than not, not listening to or understanding ourselves, either.
This is often additionally paired the idea that if someone who is uninterested listens that it means we were actually interesting; or, similarly, if we are interesting (which deep down we doubt) someone will listen to us and (here’s the unwritten/unspoken agenda) WILL CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR because they listened, understood, cared…THAT means we are worthy.
Bullshit. All of it.
This is where an honest “Fuck it” ...followed by some real self-love—listening to yourself, your feelings from that little one inside that has made these inaccurate assumptions about their worth—
following with some more “fuck it,” while pulling up the big girl panties and admitting we really wanted someone else to change their behavior so we didn’t have to. (I included you in we hoping I’m not the only one that’s done this.)
DEFENDING MY FEELINGS
Oh wow, you need more fingers and toes than you’ve got to count how many stupid arguments I’ve started and then claimed as the hill I would die on defending my hurt feelings and shitty past.
…and every single one, when it was all over and the resolution came, I could barely remember or connect with why I fought so hard or realized I was fighting to win the pissing contest to be the biggest loser with the worstest past.
Here’s the truth: feelings don’t actually need defense because they are valid. BUT…a lot of our feelings and emotional reactions are LEARNED. We picked them up from models early on. Or, they are INACCURATE, because memory is inaccurate. In my psych undergrad they drilled into us endlessly that “correlation does not equal causation,” yet we do this all the time with feelings, like “it’s really intense so it must be really true” or “I’m feeling it in my body so it must be mine.” (There’s a lot more to say on those, you’ll have to tune into a POWERhour in the HAPPINESS clinic group on Facebook or YouTube to get more.)
Feelings are also impermanent and fleeting by nature, so to die on an emotional hill that may not even be there in 10 minutes might be a bit of a waste of energy.
And, feelings are messengers and the message is for me, you, self—it’s indicating our values and boundaries, as well as self-expression. They are e-motions, chemistry calling for us to move in a way that will lead to motion/action to fully express, embody, and metabolize an experience. And it sucks and I’m sorry if you, too, had people in your life that dismissed or discounted your feelings; but the good news is you are a grown up now and you can become the parent/lover/validator that you didn’t have now.
FIGURING IT OUT/MAKING SENSE
Hello, trauma, my old friend, I’ve come to speak with you again…and have the exact same looping narrative that goes unchallenged as it’s all only happening in my head.
Figuring things out or trying to make things make sense (before the 20/20 hindsight perspective is available) maintains trauma-patterned thinking if it’s not aimed to create a greater future and/or when the aim is to demonstrate intellectual prowess (being right).
Oh, and let me EXCLUDE magic or support as a possibility here, too, because this is almost entirely based on past, old information, assumptions, and the projection of other people’s reactions, therefore not including open-ended useful questions, invitations, requests for help, and definitely not welcoming any challenge to limiting narratives that I am particularly fond of (like “I always get it wrong,” “it’s because I’m fat,” “nothing ever works for me/that only works for other people”…have you used any of those?
Also, when I demand that things make sense, I tend to hold myself in place like an obstinate 5 year old, refusing to move for mysterious reasons. This camouflaged refusal to move is actually the function of figuring things out and making things make sense: it’s a super stealth survival skill that “makes sense” so that you don’t venture into any unknown territory and risk any ego death by doing something that might challenge who you’ve been (but that lovely version of you has got to give way for an even greater next one!)
REFUSING REST OR SUPPORT
Whatever it is, the old fear that I’ll be seen as lazy or needy... What if I was just human?
EATING HEAVY OR EXTRA
It’s not just about looks, it’s the annoying awareness that I’m tired of all the extra weight—emotional and physical. When I eat heavy I feel heavy and then I don’t move as much, so my life doesn’t move as much. Then I don’t smile as much. Then I actually become unattractive (to some extent. Did you see How to Bring the Sexy Back POWERhour? You can check that out here)…but I think it’s because I AM unattractive, and then I hide, and cover myself up, and then I become unfamiliar with myself (the brain doesn’t like the unfamiliar) so it spirals and spirals.
…Not to mention the actual physiological impacts of too much gluten, dairy, and alcohol—messing up the gut brain, therefore messing up the head brain and interfering with the heart messages.
Pause. Chew slower. Smile at the food. Remember it’s information—what do I want to tell my body about how I am?
REPLACE OLD YUCK WITH THIS
EMPOWERED SPEECH:
Oddly enough, some of the most vulnerable communication requires simple statement of desire and preference: “I’d like to (be/have/do)…” “I’d prefer…”
Also amp up the power with “I am…” instead of “I’m trying.”
It’s seems weird or silly when first starting, but it actually is using the same mechanisms and brain centers to ask why with an opposite question. For instance, instead of “why is it so much easier to eat crap that healthy food?” …sounds totally legit, right?
Now replace with “Why is is so much easier to eat healthy food than junk food?”
Just as legit. It just feels weird because it isn’t rehearsed. You can do this with lots of those shitty-ass broken questions and invite new awareness and information on what is easy to do🤓
ELEVATING TALK:
The Future Forward Focus ™—Shift content to what you like, what’s going well, what you look forward to, and actions you are taking to move in that direction.
Give compliments (include yourself in that). Make plans. Talk about what lights you up!!
Even when talking about “lower” emotions like sadness or anger, go beyond venting and include some conversation on what you’d like to feel next and sprinkle in some content that brings levity, gratitude, curiosity to that next.
FOLLOW THROUGH
Sometimes starting and stopping gets more done than doing one thing at a time. Sometimes that’s not true. Bottom line, connect with the feeling of completion and then say no to distraction. This one is easier said than done, but gets easier with practice; and acknowledging completion is uber important (don’t focus on all the stuff that’s still not done). Nike hit the nail on the head on this one: Just do it.
FUCK IT
The bottom line with feelings: Lighten Up.
I’m a super sensitive and emotional person and I highly value the emotional experience in life and help people process and enjoy theirs. But, I’ve also wasted a lot of my life taking things personally, fighting for shit that wasn’t really a big deal, fighting for stuff that I didn’t want in my life anymore, etc. It was exhausting. I paid heavily in a lot of ways, including my physical health.
If I were really honest, a lot of my needing to be understood and having my feelings validated were because I didn’t actually recognize me as a validating entity, someone who mattered. What I really wanted was for someone else to prove that to me and/or to change their behavior in order to do so.
I’ve finally had enough. The past is over—including the bad childhood—IF I LET IT.
That was then, this is now. I’m here and I HAPPEN TO THINGS…so, fuck it (happily skips into future).
BREATHE
To address the head games, refusing rest or support, and any eating dilemma, the fastest way is to come back into the present, into the body. Breathe.
Breathing creates a pause, that can signal a pattern interrupt to the subconscious and allow for new thoughts/behaviors to be chosen. It reacquaints us with our bodies, remembering we aren’t just thinking/talking heads and trauma stories. It informs us of our present functioning (prey breathing/stressed breath v. conscious, calm breathing).
SMILE
In the mirror, at other people, at your food. Bless you life. Invite loveliness.
If you are interested in working with me, click the button below to schedule a call for clarity.